The Circle: You in or Out?

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One of the first lessons I learned about friendship was that someone can be your friend, and you cannot be theirs. After I learned that hard lesson, I made sure that any friendship after that, was just that – a friendship. Reciprocal and mutual like of another person. To me, there’s nothing worse than finding out that you don’t mean to someone else, what they mean to you. It makes you feel like you’re in a one-sided friendship. And the crazy thing is, sometimes – we actually are.

Even as adults, one of the major ways we hurt our own damn feelings in relationships, is by overestimating our place in someone’s life. Just because someone is YOUR best friend, doesn’t necessarily mean that you are theirs. Some people believe in having multiple best friends, some people don’t. And even if you do or don’t subscribe to that, it is important to be realistic about where you stand with someone else. To be perfectly honest, those of us that find ourselves on the outside of someone else’s circle, are typically the kind of people that want to fit in and or belong. And there’s nothing wrong with that, everyone – no matter who you are, where in the world you are, or what color you are, we all want to be seen, and we want to feel important. That’s a fact.

But a lot of times, the signs are there and we either see them and ignore them or are completely oblivious to the fact that the people we want to be close to, aren’t that close with us. Things in any kind of relationship need to be reciprocal in order to be considered a healthy relationship. If you’re doing most of the reaching out, the inviting out, the hitting up, and the showing up, you are more than likely in this situation. If you find yourself always available to them, but they tend to always be unavailable for you, or the ratio is off in a big way, you are also probably in this situation.

DISCLAIMER: let me add this disclaimer. I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that we are all adults, and individuals with very busy lives of our own. No one can be there for every single inconvenience that pops up or presents itself in your life. I see a lot of people whining on social media about how they are there for someone else, but when something is going on with them, no one can be found. There’s a huge difference in finding yourself in a legit one-sided situation, or just being dramatic because you aren’t getting the attention that you want. Even in healthy relationships, misery still loves company, and sometimes people just don’t have the capacity for what you have going on right now. If you want to have the kind of friend you claim to be, it’s important to consider what the other person has going on, or if they even have the bandwidth to handle the type of energy you’re trying to bring into their space. That’s a mature level of mutual respect that seems to be missing in our ability to communicate these days.

However.

The thing you have to decide is, are things this way because you made them this way? A lot of the times, when we want to be accepted, we are willing to do anything. And more importantly, we are very willing to do and be the kind of friend that we wish others would be to us. So maybe you are volunteering to be there, and you jump at the chance to be the one that was going to be there for them. Or you don’t mind being the only one to reach out because you just really want to talk to or hang out with this person. Sometimes we are willing to give our best and be the best in hopes that this person will choose us the same way we chose them. That same thing applies to romantic relationships. We try to show the other person why we are worthy and why they should pick us by doing THE MOST. When in reality, if a person can’t see your worth without you jumping through hoops, they’re not the person or friend for you anyway.

The moral of this story is, don’t overestimate where you stand with someone else, work on where you stand with you. If the signs are clear about the kind of relationship that you have with someone, accept them for what they are and move accordingly. These days it’s important to match the energy, and not give any more or less than what you’re receiving. Unrealistic expectations and the inability to see things as they are, not what they will be – will have you in some potentially hurtful situations. Protect yourself. And if you find yourself in a situation like this, be brave enough to have a conversation about it. If you’re in a relationship and you want more, say you want more. Be vulnerable and let them know where you stand and what you’re looking for. Vulnerability can be a scary thing, but it’s necessary to get to the deeper connection you might be looking for.

Bend, Break and Cry.

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Amanda Seales said something poignant the other day, that made me re-think a lot of things. She said, “people act like black girls don’t bend, break, and cry,” and she’s absolutely correct. And it is this thinking that is causing us to stay trapped, and to continuously pass this ideology onto our children. Yeah, I just said that. And if it made you mad, just hang in there with me sis, I’m going to make it make sense.

No one person or group of people treat black women like they don’t bend, break and cry other than ourselves. We are THE BIGGEST perpetrators of our own psychological bondage, and we’re passing it on to our children. With the initiative to be better and to do better that I believe I see on the rise amongst black women; our intentions are good, but our actions are keeping us all stuck.
Granted black woman, you are up against so very much. Men are against us, other women are against us, white women won’t stand with us, the government is infringing on our rights, and no one is standing up for our right to say ‘No.’ Naturally, with all of those things against us, and our history of having to do a lot of, if not all of everything ourselves, naturally, we believe that we must be strong. We watched our mother’s and our grandmother’s handle everything by themselves, struggle by themselves, and persevere by themselves. So when it comes to being better and doing better, now we desire to do more, even if it means we do it by ourselves.
That same desire that makes us ambitious, and gives us a drive for success and to make it, is the same thing that’s wearing us out.
Even though our momma’s have been beasts all of our lives, we’re not made to handle and do everything by ourselves. The one statement I hate to see black women make is, ” I need to be strong for my kids. ” And I totally get why we say it. Because if there’s no father in the picture, or he’s not doing like he’s supposed to, it’s just us. We don’t get to take time off, we don’t get sick days, personal days, or vacation days. Technically, your kids can’t afford not to be able to count on you. And you’re absolutely correct in feeling like it’s not fair that they only have you to count on.
And while I agree with that whole thought process and way of thinking, we are doing ourselves, and our children such a great disservice. While a breakdown for you might be incredibly inconvenient, you deserve the right to feel whatever you feel, regardless of your responsibilities. This strong for my kids mentalities has us sucking things up, stuffing them down, and pushing them under a rug. And while that manages them for the moment, it’s breaking you down for the long run. You HAVE to allow yourself to feel what you’re going through and let it look like whatever it looks like for you. Feeling overwhelmed or pissed off, upset, sad, depressed, anxious, suicidal, trapped, disregarded, unloved and any other feeling or emotion you may be having from whatever you’re going through, does not make you weak.
FEELINGS DON’T MAKE YOU WEAK SIS!!!! Having a meltdown, or crying when you need to does not take anything away from the kind of mother that you are, and the way you’re raising your kids. If you hide in the bathroom and cry, or take your kids to grandma’s house so you can breathe, you HAVE to have an outlet for you. This cycle of sucking it up and muting our emotions never allows us to heal our wounds. You remember when your momma told you to take your bandaid off and let your scrape get some air because it’s not good for it to be covered all the time?! That’s pretty much the same principle when it comes down to our mental and emotional health.
All we are doing is passing this same broken pathology on to our kids. Regardless of what you think or feel, it is a psychological fact that children just want their parents to be happy. Whatever that looks like for you is what’s best for your children. We think that pushing our feelings and struggles out of the way, and away from our kids is best for our kids, but it’s really reinforcing the same belief that feelings and not coping or handling pressure well is a weakness. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel our feelings or address them, they manifest themselves in other ways. Sometimes we’re angry and we lash out, sometimes we check out and become disengaged, and sometimes we just get stuck. All of these things affect us and our parenting relationship, and if we really want what’s best for our children, we have to do what’s best for us first.
I know it’s noble and all mother’s like to say that my kids are my life, they’re the air that I breathe, and all of that stuff. That’s a great sentiment, but the truth is this:

Your kids can you keep you alive, but they won’t make you live.

What does that mean? A lot of women, especially young women often say that having children gave them purpose because someone finally needed them. They have a reason to get up every day, and they have to strive for more because the kids depend on them. That could very well be the case because once you have a kid, there are no take backs! It’s on for life!
But beloved, what I want you to know is that being a mother can very well be one of the proudest, most meaningful things you will do with your life, but it’s not ALL that you will do with your life. Being a mother, being a strong black woman is a part of who you are, but it’s not all that you are.
Please don’t check out on you. Don’t forget who you are, and what your passions are and the dreams you dreamt about who you wanted to be. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Even if you devote your life to taking care of your kids and putting them first, there has to be some you left for you when it’s all said and done.
I know it’s hard. It’s really hard. I know you never dreamt of being here. You never dreamt of having to do it all by yourself. You may have thought you’d have a family, a husband, a partner, or not even have children at all. And even when it doesn’t feel like it, or look like it, you’re going to be okay. You’re going to get through everything that is set before you. If you’ve ever survived anything, if you’ve ever overcome anything – and I know that you have, you can do this. But you can’t do this without you.

The pressure is real. The struggle is real. Having gone through some pretty tough times myself here recently, I gave up the ghost on pretending that things are better than they are, don’t hurt as much as they do, and feeling like I’m less than when I feel like I’m not going to make it. I’m getting through everything I’m going through, and I must honestly say – I have never felt stronger than I do in my weakest moments…Because once I come through this, my wherewithal, my ability to stand and not fold, my ability to face the unknown and to do it by myself, grows. Every day that I honor my feelings and confront my truth, is another day that in my weakness I am made strong.
You too are strong. But you’re also sensitive, delicate, precious, fragile, and so very loved. Strength is who you are. It’s in your ancestry, it’s in the legacy that you are apart of, and the one that you will leave. It is transcribed in your melanin, it rests on your shoulders, and it adjusts your crown.

You are strength. You are strong. And you are human.

Bend. Break. Cry.
You deserve it.

Who Hurt You?

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“Who hurt you?” is the social media joke as of most recent. There is post, after post, after post documenting things that people have said, done, and a million memes behind being hurt in relationships, but it does beg the question.. Who hurt you?

I want to flip the perspective on this question because I think too often we view it from a perspective of protection. When you think of being hurt in relationships, more commonly it’s associated with all things that you won’t do now as a result of that hurt. We think more in terms of the things we are afraid and unwilling to do now in an effort to protect our hearts. Since we got hurt we refuse to trust, we refuse to open up, and we refuse to give anything or anyone a chance. Ain’t it funny that we refuse to do all these things, and still expect a positive outcome. We legit still expect to have the relationships we’ve always dreamt of, even though we no longer feel safe enough to even be open to them.

Now we’ve all been hurt. And not just in romantic relationships either. I don’t know a human being on the face of the planet that hasn’t been hurt by a family member – to the point that if they haven’t hurt you, are you even related? Some of us have been betrayed by our closest friends – I mean betrayed betrayed. Have you watched an episode of Maury? Jerry Springer? I mean… Some hurt is definitely justified. Some hurt is absolutely going to be hard to get over. But ALL of that hurt shapes who we become afterward, and where we have the ability to go.

Have you ever questioned what your hurt causes you to do? How is your hurt the catalyst for the behaviors and relationships you indulge in? I think we’ve all seen or know someone that knows a woman that has decided to change her sexual orientation because she just can’t take anymore. She feels like she’s exhausted all of her options with men and is ready to take her chances on the other team. And in that same vein, that same hurt fuels the way you even interact with people, let alone how it defines your relationship.

One of the MOST damaging hurts in my humble opinion is that of abandonment. Whoooo Baybee! Ain’t no hurt like being left. And for this one, in particular, it’s like a shattered mirror. Depending on who, and at what point in your life, the shards and that shatter spread like wildfire. This is the kind of hurt that makes you question yourself. One could say, that this is the hurt that destroys your self-esteem from the ground up. Because the inevitable question is, “Why wasn’t I good enough for you to stay? What was wrong with me that you didn’t want me?” THOSE are some gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, soul-shattering questions, let alone feelings. Think back to what it felt like the last time you felt that way inside of yourself. The loneliness, the emptiness, the ache to be approved of. This one is a hard pill to swallow. BUT. It is also such a valid question. If you take the time to really sit in that hurt – and by that, I mean, bring those feelings up and really feel them, you begin to have a little bit more compassion for yourself and others.

The thing is this – we spend so much time avoiding the pain that we don’t want to feel, we don’t give ourselves a chance to learn how to process it and move on from it. And I get it! Trust me! I am not in the business of wanting to feel any kind of pain. If I’m honest, I spend more time in my life trying to avoid it than I am willing to admit. It’s human to want to protect ourselves. But the gag is, once we allow ourselves to really feel that pain – it’s over. It’s done! We’ve felt it, and it did whatever it was going to do to us. What next?

I’ve learned that there’s so much more pain with trying to avoid pain than experiencing pain the first time.

We can move on! But I will say this, there are some answers to who hurt us, that take some time to process and make headway with. Do you know how hard it is to confront the people that hurt you? It’s like one of THE bravest things I think you could ever even attempt to do. It’s hard because we carry so much guilt sometimes based on who it is. It’s so scary to NEED to tell your mom or your parent about the ways in which they hurt or abandoned you when they think they were doing the best they can to raise you. Nobody wants to come off as the ungrateful child, but sometimes it’s necessary to heal. What I want you to take away from this is this: You have to do, what you have to do for you! Your experience of someone or something is yours, and no one can dictate to you how something did or did not make you feel. So if that means telling momma how she wasn’t there for you even though she was physically present, and how you find yourself searching for the love of a mother in other female relationships, you have to do that. That’s your truth! And if it helps you see the reasons why you are making some of the decisions you are currently making, or why you choose to be in relationships with certain people, you definitely need those answers!

I challenge all of us to look into these past hurts and to see where they’ve taken us. If you’re the type of woman that “doesn’t like, or can’t stand other women,” I challenge you to really look at that? How can you not stand someone that understands everything about you and all the things you go through and have possibly been through? How can you not relate? I remember thinking, I can’t stand a, ‘ I don’t have female friends,’ woman. Like how can you be trusted? As I’ve gotten older, I have more empathy for women that fall into this group. Fear often presents itself as anger, and I think women who take this stance are more often than not, afraid of being hurt, or left, or taken advantage of by women and not the superficial reasons they give like we always runnin’ our mouths, or we’re messy. Granted, we all know some messy ass women, but not all of us are like that. And if you can’t find one of us to connect with, I suggest you turn that suspicion inward and figure out what’s in your heart.

I think the golden rule will always apply here, and that is: “Hurt People, Hurt People,” And that’s a fact. It’s also something to consider as you deal with being the one that is hurt. Sometimes it’s easier to salvage relationships and feelings when you can see past what was done and look at the why. Every action has a ‘why’. And most people will tell you that they don’t know why they did such and such. He can’t tell you why he cheated on you. She can’t tell you why she told that thing she swore she wouldn’t share. This could be true. But ultimately, we all know. We just don’t always want to admit it. If I’m honest, I’ve definitely left out some details in an attempt to spare some feelings – which always ends up with the same result, even more, hurt feelings.

I said all that to say. It’s worth it to connect your dots. Who hurt you? How did they hurt you? And what about it hurt you? Ask yourself those questions so you can heal some of that stuff, and stop inflicting that pain on yourself and others. Think how much better your relationships could be if you discover that you’ve been behaving this way, or treating them this way because of some unresolved hurt that you have. I also leave you with this disclaimer: Just because you are or have been hurt, that does not give you the right to hurt others. The responsible thing to do is to continue to work on you and your issues within your relationship so that you aren’t inflicting unnecessary pain on folk. This does not give you a license to say “I’ve been hurt,” and continue on in the same ways you’ve been. The goal is growth. No one likes a “That’s just the way I am, ” adult. NO ONE. Trust me on this. Do your work. Take the time you need to resolve and deal with you before you start dealing with someone else. And don’t be so selfish and desperate to be with someone that you ignore your own issues for the sake of not being alone.

You can cuddle up to a piece of coal now, or take your time and end up with a diamond. You decide.

Take a step.

Girlllllll.

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Well,

 

It’s 2019 and EVERYONE has a plan, a scheme, and something for you to sign up and pay for so that you might live your best life. For me, the jury is still out on that ‘Best Life’ thing – whether you subscribe to it and are embracing it to mean that you are going to do and be all things that are predestined for you; or if you’re just saying it so you can live your best hoe life, do you girl!

However. For some of us, living our best life really just means that we want to take control of our circumstances, and the lives we are or aren’t currently living. This isn’t a ‘New Year, New Me’ gimmick, some of us are legit exhausted with the way we’ve been doing life, and the truth is, – we are MF Tied.

If you too fall into that category, I cordially invite you to ‘Stop Hurting Your Own Damn Feelings,’ so that you too, can command the life you’re living or not living and start moving in the direction of peace, freedom, and an amazing sense of self-awareness.

I know you’re wondering, “what does it mean to hurt your own damn feelings? And how does she know that I am? Cause I ain’t!”

Oh Girl, BUT YOU ARE.

As a whole, we as women, and men if you’re reading this as well, have a tremendous amount of unresolved trauma from a million different experiences that we’ve survived, lived through, or just barely made it out of. It could be how you were raised, or who you were raised by that’s causing you all kinds of current grief. It could be what happened to you when you were six when a girl called you fat, or the first time someone told you crying didn’t make you a man. And while a lot of these traumas and tragedies are not our fault, as they happened TO us, it is our responsibility to work through that stuff so that it doesn’t rule our current and present-day lives. Let me stop you here. If you are a person that subscribes to, “out of sight, out of mind,” this is NOT the place for you. Though we may try with all our might to block these experiences out, to act like they didn’t hurt us, to pretend like we’re not haunted and bothered by what we’ve been through – We be lyin! Periodt.

So here’s where we are hurting our own damn feelings. First, not acknowledging some of these traumas is the number one way we hurt ourselves. We find ourselves in these cycles of toxic relationships, broken friendships, self-esteem based on the affirmations of others, and the need to chase down these material things to bind up these emotional and psychological voids. I truly believe these issues that we have running in the background of our lives, fuel the decisions we do and don’t make in our lives today. Maybe you’re stuck, and don’t know what to do with your life. Maybe you’re like me, and are just holding on for dear life, hoping that life starts to do some stuff that is recognizable! Maybe you’re taking stock of where you’ve been, what you’ve done, and freaking out because it doesn’t seem like “enough.” All of these things stem from some stuff we been through but aren’t really acknowledging or taking responsibility for.

Here’s where the accountability comes in, and if I lose you – I promise you, I didn’t mean to upset you, but at a certain point in time, we gotta call a spade, a spade! If we can be truly honest with ourselves, we can really look back and see where we put ourselves into some of the dumbest situations, that we knew didn’t make sense, that we knew may turn out to be trash, uncertain, life-altering, and downright ridiculous. I’m telling you. If you go back and be honest with yourself about what in you attracted you to some of those people you linked up with, that made you want to be in those places you KNEW you had no business being in, you could see how not being accountable for self has allowed you to continue to repeat those cycles, those things in the church we call, “generational curses, soul-ties, and so forth.”

Let’s look at an example. Say, for instance, your baby daddy is straight TRASH. He really might be. He doesn’t help, he doesn’t provide, he considers spending time with the child, “babysitting,” he’s never bought a pamper, and he doesn’t have to rearrange his life around daycare, sickness, and school schedules. He’s trash. As a result of this, you find yourself MF Pissed. You never imagined you’d raise your kid alone. You wanted to provide the family that you never had to your baby. You didn’t plan on being a single mother – Maybe if you’re REAL honest, you didn’t plan on being a mother at all. But here you are, a single mother with a turd for a baby daddy, trying to make it work and not lose sight of the dreams you did or didn’t have for yourself. ALL OF THAT IS VALID SIS!

BUT.

Here’s where you be real with yourself about how you got here. If you think back, Ol’ boy was trash, to begin with, but you were tired of waiting for someone or something better so you went with it. He had a terrible work history, and couldn’t keep a job. Kinda moved around and slept from place to place couch surfing at his cousin’s house. And he was never doing much for you when y’all started dating. But. It as something and someone to do. I know, sometimes you get bored and get to flirting, and …what’s there to lose. But again, now we’re here. I am challenging all of us to be RAW and DISGUSTINGLY honest with ourselves about the decisions we’ve made based on our unresolved issues, drama, and trauma that allow us to be stuck, dealing with all this negative stuff in our lives today.

So. That’s what we’ll do here. Because I want us to literally live our best lives. Some of us have been dying with our eyes open for over 20, or 30 plus years. it’s time to find out why we are the way we are. Why are we attracted to F*ck boys? What about us, keeps us in friendships with the messiest, most disrespectful Heffas we’ve ever met? Why can’t we be friends with other women? Why do we secretly HATE being a parent? Why can’t we really trust men, and what happened that makes us afraid to be vulnerable.

You gotta take ownership of your life! It’s LITERALLY, YOUR LIFE. You get to dictate what goes on in it, what you do with it, and how it’s going to go. Let’s look at those things that stop us from living our best lives. For real. We’re not here to say positive vibes only, and not really mean that. I am not encouraging you to cut everyone off because its everyone else that has the problem. No. I am encouraging you to separate yourself from everyone and evaluate what problems you have. What toxic traits are you carrying around? What toxic behaviors do you bring to a relationship? A friendship? What are you REALLY looking or when you’re looking for a mate? Are you looking for love, or are you looking for help? Are you looking for a helpmate, or are you looking for a mother? A Father?

As my Girlllllll Ms. Iyanla would say, “You can’t heal what you won’t reveal, and you’ve got to clear somethings up for yourself.” Let’s go there! Let’s see what’s really good? After all, if you’re truly tired of not living – you have ABSOLUTELY nothing to lose, and everything to gain. If you can be truly honest and vulnerable with your own self, you will begin to take over the reins and move your life in the direction you’ve always wanted to see it go, but never imagined it could.

Oh. Honesty is brutal. It’s going to suck. But it will save your life. And you can do it. You lived through some hellacious ish. You passed a set, or more of shoulders through your Vag. Trust me. You got this!