“Who hurt you?” is the social media joke as of most recent. There is post, after post, after post documenting things that people have said, done, and a million memes behind being hurt in relationships, but it does beg the question.. Who hurt you?

I want to flip the perspective on this question because I think too often we view it from a perspective of protection. When you think of being hurt in relationships, more commonly it’s associated with all things that you won’t do now as a result of that hurt. We think more in terms of the things we are afraid and unwilling to do now in an effort to protect our hearts. Since we got hurt we refuse to trust, we refuse to open up, and we refuse to give anything or anyone a chance. Ain’t it funny that we refuse to do all these things, and still expect a positive outcome. We legit still expect to have the relationships we’ve always dreamt of, even though we no longer feel safe enough to even be open to them.

Now we’ve all been hurt. And not just in romantic relationships either. I don’t know a human being on the face of the planet that hasn’t been hurt by a family member – to the point that if they haven’t hurt you, are you even related? Some of us have been betrayed by our closest friends – I mean betrayed betrayed. Have you watched an episode of Maury? Jerry Springer? I mean… Some hurt is definitely justified. Some hurt is absolutely going to be hard to get over. But ALL of that hurt shapes who we become afterward, and where we have the ability to go.

Have you ever questioned what your hurt causes you to do? How is your hurt the catalyst for the behaviors and relationships you indulge in? I think we’ve all seen or know someone that knows a woman that has decided to change her sexual orientation because she just can’t take anymore. She feels like she’s exhausted all of her options with men and is ready to take her chances on the other team. And in that same vein, that same hurt fuels the way you even interact with people, let alone how it defines your relationship.

One of the MOST damaging hurts in my humble opinion is that of abandonment. Whoooo Baybee! Ain’t no hurt like being left. And for this one, in particular, it’s like a shattered mirror. Depending on who, and at what point in your life, the shards and that shatter spread like wildfire. This is the kind of hurt that makes you question yourself. One could say, that this is the hurt that destroys your self-esteem from the ground up. Because the inevitable question is, “Why wasn’t I good enough for you to stay? What was wrong with me that you didn’t want me?” THOSE are some gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, soul-shattering questions, let alone feelings. Think back to what it felt like the last time you felt that way inside of yourself. The loneliness, the emptiness, the ache to be approved of. This one is a hard pill to swallow. BUT. It is also such a valid question. If you take the time to really sit in that hurt – and by that, I mean, bring those feelings up and really feel them, you begin to have a little bit more compassion for yourself and others.

The thing is this – we spend so much time avoiding the pain that we don’t want to feel, we don’t give ourselves a chance to learn how to process it and move on from it. And I get it! Trust me! I am not in the business of wanting to feel any kind of pain. If I’m honest, I spend more time in my life trying to avoid it than I am willing to admit. It’s human to want to protect ourselves. But the gag is, once we allow ourselves to really feel that pain – it’s over. It’s done! We’ve felt it, and it did whatever it was going to do to us. What next?

I’ve learned that there’s so much more pain with trying to avoid pain than experiencing pain the first time.

We can move on! But I will say this, there are some answers to who hurt us, that take some time to process and make headway with. Do you know how hard it is to confront the people that hurt you? It’s like one of THE bravest things I think you could ever even attempt to do. It’s hard because we carry so much guilt sometimes based on who it is. It’s so scary to NEED to tell your mom or your parent about the ways in which they hurt or abandoned you when they think they were doing the best they can to raise you. Nobody wants to come off as the ungrateful child, but sometimes it’s necessary to heal. What I want you to take away from this is this: You have to do, what you have to do for you! Your experience of someone or something is yours, and no one can dictate to you how something did or did not make you feel. So if that means telling momma how she wasn’t there for you even though she was physically present, and how you find yourself searching for the love of a mother in other female relationships, you have to do that. That’s your truth! And if it helps you see the reasons why you are making some of the decisions you are currently making, or why you choose to be in relationships with certain people, you definitely need those answers!

I challenge all of us to look into these past hurts and to see where they’ve taken us. If you’re the type of woman that “doesn’t like, or can’t stand other women,” I challenge you to really look at that? How can you not stand someone that understands everything about you and all the things you go through and have possibly been through? How can you not relate? I remember thinking, I can’t stand a, ‘ I don’t have female friends,’ woman. Like how can you be trusted? As I’ve gotten older, I have more empathy for women that fall into this group. Fear often presents itself as anger, and I think women who take this stance are more often than not, afraid of being hurt, or left, or taken advantage of by women and not the superficial reasons they give like we always runnin’ our mouths, or we’re messy. Granted, we all know some messy ass women, but not all of us are like that. And if you can’t find one of us to connect with, I suggest you turn that suspicion inward and figure out what’s in your heart.

I think the golden rule will always apply here, and that is: “Hurt People, Hurt People,” And that’s a fact. It’s also something to consider as you deal with being the one that is hurt. Sometimes it’s easier to salvage relationships and feelings when you can see past what was done and look at the why. Every action has a ‘why’. And most people will tell you that they don’t know why they did such and such. He can’t tell you why he cheated on you. She can’t tell you why she told that thing she swore she wouldn’t share. This could be true. But ultimately, we all know. We just don’t always want to admit it. If I’m honest, I’ve definitely left out some details in an attempt to spare some feelings – which always ends up with the same result, even more, hurt feelings.

I said all that to say. It’s worth it to connect your dots. Who hurt you? How did they hurt you? And what about it hurt you? Ask yourself those questions so you can heal some of that stuff, and stop inflicting that pain on yourself and others. Think how much better your relationships could be if you discover that you’ve been behaving this way, or treating them this way because of some unresolved hurt that you have. I also leave you with this disclaimer: Just because you are or have been hurt, that does not give you the right to hurt others. The responsible thing to do is to continue to work on you and your issues within your relationship so that you aren’t inflicting unnecessary pain on folk. This does not give you a license to say “I’ve been hurt,” and continue on in the same ways you’ve been. The goal is growth. No one likes a “That’s just the way I am, ” adult. NO ONE. Trust me on this. Do your work. Take the time you need to resolve and deal with you before you start dealing with someone else. And don’t be so selfish and desperate to be with someone that you ignore your own issues for the sake of not being alone.

You can cuddle up to a piece of coal now, or take your time and end up with a diamond. You decide.

Take a step.